Friday, 17 June 2016

Proud of Being Straight--Writing and Homosexuality in Teenhood

I'll admit it, I'm proud of being straight. This might come off as hate speech for some, but that's Cultural Marxism and we don't need that here. We don't need that ever. But I'm going to have one of those stories for you all. If you are a straight person and always were, that's great! If you were not always in understanding with your sexuality, we can perhaps both share in this text I shall write for you together.

I won't be sharing really negative things that have happened to me, but I will share an umbrella understanding that I've come to realize over the years.

As a teenager, I wasn't very interested in boys, like most girls. I did, however, grow up pornified, and I used to want to showcase myself as sexy and desirable. I wouldn't care about the actual attention, because I wanted to do it for myself. I had grown up watching the Spice Girls and Britney Spears, here. I had always had a lot more male friends, but I had some close best girl friends. In sec. 3 (grade 9) I met my now husband and we became great friends. He liked me, although he was shy and sweet. I didn't like him, love him, feel attracted to him. He was 'friend-zoned' we could say, but he was also my best friend and we were always together.
In and around the same time we met, I learned about a Russian girl band called t.A.T.u. The girls in the band were showcased as lesbians and would kiss and hold hands in their video clips. I liked the music, and I started feeling attracted to homosexuality. It was beautiful and fascinating to me. It was definitely also very sexual and fetishistic. I didn't automatically say: wow, I'm probably a lesbian, because I didn't identify with a sexual orientation yet, I was a kid! But then this 'like' of homosexual grew into fetish, obsession and then projection. I used to write novels (I still do, and I love it and I'll write a post about writing one day!) and I used to create homosexual characters, often girls, who would demonstrate what I have come to call soft-love for each other. Teenage girls often experiment with their girl friends when it comes to kissing and hugging intimately. I think it's normal and it should not be shamed, especially if it's innocent and more like a test of intimacy. Heterosexual relationships can be extremely erotically charged at the beginning and boys or girls can have a difficult time to be open and receptive to the other sex. Being with another girl, however, can provide a calm, homosocial atmosphere where they can both exchange in their femininity. Honestly, when girls experiment young, it rarely devolved into lust.
Later on, all of my protagonists became homosexuals, or transgenders, or anything at the time I found taboo, fetishistic and interesting. It was interesting and I learned so much as I embodied a character first-person and then lived vicariously through their complex young adult lives. It was around this time that I started to project homosexual feelings inside of myself. I was so taken up by this idea of homosexuals that I wanted to be a homosexual. This was a rebellion inside of me, one that rejected the idea of being normal and went for something more exciting that being straight. My best friend (now my husband) was probably devastated when I told him (I'm a lesbian), but he accepted it. I kept it inside and I couldn't manifest it in real life, which wasn't really a problem for me.
Naturally, my best friend became closer to me as we aged and it was soon that I started feeling stronger emotions for him. I still fetishized homosexuality and 'identified' as liking girls more, but then, it was all so natural, we kissed, we touched, and I had to admit that I was bisexual. We became intimate and ever since the end of high school, we've been together as a couple (with bumps in the road).
For all these years, apart from around a half-year ago, I identified as bisexual. I still had my homosexual obsession, although it was less so than in college, where I would blush and squeal interiorily at the sight of boys or girls kissing. It was normalized. It was normal and Christians, to me, were ridiculous to think it wasn't. I read some masculine literature one summer (Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller and Women by Charles Bukowski) and everything fell apart. I had a child with my husband and we were in a happy place, but I wasn't. I wanted to experience what I had never experienced: homosexuality. I was struck with the notion that I was locked in a cage and I could not experience what I wanted to because I was on a leash and I became angry at the leash, angry at myself and at my husband. This jumpstarted a very interesting process.
I started analyzing myself very deeply, and the idea that my love of homosexuality was something created and false started to creep up on me. I was angry at this. It was good that I had normalized it. I didn't want to slip the rug underneath this ally-ship or even kinship with homosexuals. I wasn't LGBT (I've always disliked the idea of a fraternity of non-individuals portrayed as such), but I was bisexual. A Christian friend of mine (I was very open to everyone at the time) once told me she did not think homosexuals were normal, and that there was something wrong with homosexuality. I learned that this friend had had a very negative homosexual experience amongst having had a hard teenhood and young adulthood as someone a bit like me, ultra-liberal and very open, but who had the chance to experience. It had led her into excess, misery, depression. It had also led her to Christ.
I was fascinated by this and I respected her so much that I could not just shove away the idea that she was bigoted and crazy for thinking homosexuality was immoral or unnatural. 'It happens in nature, it's not unnatural'.
But then the rug tugged and every single idea I had falsely created fell. And I fell with it. I became extremely conscious that I had been living in a fantasy world created in my young teenhood. I had fetishized homosexuality because it was taboo and exciting, because it was sinful and attractive. It was almost one day to the next that I became disgusting by homosexuality, by my books and the same-sex eroticism. But what to do with me now? I still had homosexual desires, and I had a difficult time to eject them. I still do.
My husband was glad that I had ceased to obsess over homosexuals, that I realized that sexuality was only one part of life and it wasn't to be made into an idol, like I had been doing. I could see clearly now, but it was difficult to realize how much of a dream it had been. I had been clouded by a life of flesh, and when I came down from it, there was nothing left. I started even fearing myself, my desires and fearing to become homophobic. Online, Cultural Marxists were telling me: you have internal homophobia due to repression. But I know it wasn't repression because I had my husband and I love him and I'm attracted to him sexually and emotionally. But it didn't help my case.
My Christian friend, who I love so much, encouraged me to become a Christian. I had been raised Catholic, so it wasn't crazy, and I remembered fearing God and loving God. I was older now, more ready, and in my hate and fear, there was Christ. Christ blessed me with his grace, he did it to all of us, and I started thinking about goodness, about humanity, about evil. I wouldn't blame things on parts of a person's personality, but on evil, on sin, on Satan. It helped. It helped me empathize with all of humans, to propagate love for all.
Today, I am proud of being straight because it was a struggle for me. It was a process I had to go through and I am a more genuine and honest person today. I think that those who think that straight pride is hateful, remember them that that is their conception of it.

Thanks for reading! If you want to leave a comment, feel free, and I will respond!

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